Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Movie Non-Review: 'GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra':

Sometimes, a film defies conventional narrative and artistic standards so utterly that it seems unfair to judge it by them. G.I. Joe is such a case, a movie that has, through its own inverse accomplishment, earned the right to speak for itself. Consider this a tone poem in 40 scraps of dialogue:

You don't ask to be a part of G.I. Joe. You get asked.

If you're going to shoot something, kill it. Otherwise take up knitting.

The Joes will never know what hit them.

General Hawk is stable now, but he won't be conscious for another day or two.

She was a blonde then.

You have to promise me you will not let my genius egghead little brother get hurt.

I didn't want anyone to see me like this.

I have a target in mind, one the French will never forget.

Deploy the sharks!