Friday, March 18, 2011



I totally believe you are entitled to your opinion.

I do wish that your comments made clear that what you saw last July was a singular night, and was in fact the very first time any of this story has ever been told. No pre-writing, no scripting, nothing. All live.

The fact that the story had never been told before, in any form, and was being born that night is why the show ran the length it did, and accounts for a degree of slackness and its need for cohesion and editing. This fact was disclosed clearly to all who came in all the materials, and was in fact reiterated by the director in no uncertain terms before it began.

There is a reason works-in-progress are not usually subject to review in the theater--it's actually where delicate work is happening, especially when the writing is live as well. So it is disappointing to see how callously you equate what you saw one night in July with the work that I've dedicated eight months to since then.

I invited you in to my roughest rough draft, and you shit in my living room. And you know what? Be my guest.

I am a huge partisan for our bright new online world.

The fact that you managed to walk down to the theater and stumble inside gives you the unalienable right to talk shit about it, even though what you saw isn’t the completed work, even though you were told this repeatedly and clearly. It even gives you the right to post it as a review, rating it on this site as though it is a fucking commodity that can be bought or sold, and that is the way it is.

But by that same token, it allows me to write you directly and let you know just what a shit you’ve been. Not that you know you are a shit—you don’t think about it on your way to review the next boutique hamburger sauna or new tapas-and-yogurt joint. There are so many things to rate in the world, after all, and you've reviewed 267 things on Yelp so far.

Perusing your reviews, I wanted to see what gets good reviews from you. Who is Steve "Batman" L?

I see you were much more impressed with this well-known establishment:

Check out Steve "Batman" L! High roller at the Cantilly, VA Hooters!

You roll deep for the Hooters --you go to multiple locations, you know which ones have the best food, you compare and contrast the women like meat--this is clearly where your critical facilities lie. This is your metier, the song that speaks to your heart. Maybe if we met at a Hooters and I tipped the waitresses enough someone would surreptitiously touch you in the back in a special place and you wouldn't need to review so many Hooters restaurants.

Then there was this strikingly low review:


Oh Steve "Batman"L, you are hilarious! I remember so many beer pong playing guys in college who loved Hooters--they are, in fact, my core demographic! It is so surprising that my work didn't speak more deeply to you!

There is so much more--the review of the doctor who got a low score from you because of your denial that your cat is giving you allergies, the night club reviews that boast about the "great chick to guy ratio" and "awesome hotties" filed a few brief months before you wrote reviews about your honeymoon suite after your wedding, the fact that all your socializing revolves around Yelp events...I think I love you. You are like a gift that keeps on giving.

But no matter how much you make me love you now, you were a shit.

Because clearly this wasn’t open to review. And you did, because why not? Why would an audience member have any responsibility in the relationship we forge in the space? With so much of our world commoditized, we start to believe this is a master and slave relationship.

And it's not like there would ever be any consequences, right?

As a rule I don’t write letters like this to reviewers, no matter what, not ever. But I don’t often have my rehearsals audited and used to publicly judge my work, so I thought I’d be crass and base and do a bad thing.

But I do know how to hold myself accountable in our digital landscape, and ensure I don’t get too addicted to writing trolls like you. I’m posting your review, and this response, to my site to ensure it gets the readership it deserves.

I am a huge partisan for our bright new online world.

But I do not have to roll over for you fuckers.