Huh. This 15 year old girl has been charged with child pornography....because she made it herself, by photographing herself naked and posting to the Net.

A moment's reflection makes me think, "Yeah, I *guess* that makes sense..." but I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the prosecutor.

This is excellent: an archive of customer and user experiences which are broken.

With this illustration, a short tale: I saw her on the L train.

Tonight at PS122:

All Stories Are Fiction #6:
TEACHERS, TEACHING AND THE TAUGHT

Wherein we look at teaching, and those that practice this forgotten art, to see what can be gleaned. We will also touch on the subject of hot lunch—who decided that Thursday was Macaroni Casserole? I am still wondering.

Show starts at 7:30--don't be late!

Also of interest--the NYT reports on how the government assesses the value of human life.

Latest Craigslist fun--further bizarro pet requests!

I want a really really cute puppy that would match the decor of my leisure den. My new expensive carpet is champagne colored. Must not shed. Must not bark unless there is a way a vet is willing to remove its larynx(can they declaw it so my wooden floors don't get scuffed? they do it for cats). I prefer a puppy that is as little and cute as possible, taken from the mother from day one and given to me ( after all, I am going to be the real mommi-kins.
If it does have an "accident" more than once outside its cage I would like assurance that I can get my money back. Also would like to know if there is a problem with keeping a muzzle on( except when it is eating), I heard that some dogs chew on furniture or should giving the poochie a little smack on the nose keep it in check? I run a tight ship in my house , I love animals enough not to let them go crazy in my house.
Willing to pay $800 tops.

Senators Orrin Hatch and Patrick Leahy have introduced the PIRATE Act in Congress. Both are on the payrolls of the entertainment industry, and Hatch lets loose with a terrifyingly stupid explanation of why action is necessary now:

In defending the Pirate Act, Hatch said the operators of P2P networks are running a conspiracy in which they lure children and young people with free music, movies and pornography. With these "human shields," the P2P companies are trying to ransom the entertainment industries into accepting their networks as a distribution channel and source of revenue.

"Unfortunately, piracy and pornography could then become the cornerstones of a 'business model,'" Hatch said in a statement. The illicit activities of file sharers "then generate huge advertising revenues for the architects of piracy."

Could? Could? They want a massive increase in federal powers because something MIGHT happen? I especially love all the terrorism language they've loaded the bill with--it makes me sick.

Even better, check out Confessions of a Midlevel Screenwriter.

And, in the Craigslist Hall of Fame:

I have four free dogs. Two of them are large sized, about up to my waist. One is brown and the other sort of milky grey, with a large black patch of hair on his belly. The "black hair patch" dog has a limp, as it was stepped on by a truck driver doing a delivery one day. But he's very kind. The other two dogs are about the size of a bowling ball, but not round like that. One is more round and the other pretty skinny. I don't know the breeds, but they have scratchy hair. You may have seen me with them because I walk them all together usually from Lexington to Central Park and I like to go down 80th street. I also have a monkey but he looks sort of sick. I think you'd need a vet for him. I got him in New Jersey about three years ago. All of these are free and I have individual bowls for the dog and a leash for the monkey. I have to get rid of them because I need an operation in a week that's pretty serious and I don't have anywhere for them to stay. They all get along great except for the monkey and the larger small dog. But I'd hate to split them up. Serious inquiries only. I would rather that they didn't go to the Bronx or Staten Island. Nothing personal.

And finally: The English-To-12-Year-Old AOLer Translator, through which the above posting is rendered as:

I HAEV FOUR FRE DOGS!11! WTF TWO OF TH3M R LARGE SIEZD ABOUT UP 2 MAH WASET11!!!1 OMG ONE IS BROWN AND TEH OTH3R SORT OF MILKY GRAY WIT A LARG3 BLAK PATCH OF HARE ON HIS BLY!1!1 OMG TEH BLAK HARE PATCH DOG HAS A LIMP AS IT WAS STAPED ON BY A TRUK DRIEVR DONG A DELIEVRY ONE DAY11111! OMG WTF LOL BUT HES V3RY KIND111!1 OMG WTF LOL DA OTHAR TWO DOGS R ABOUT TEH SIEZ OF A BOWLNG BAL BUT NOT ROUND LIEK TAHT!!!11!11 OMG WTF ON3 IS MOR3 ROUND AND TEH OTH3R PR3TY SKINY!111!111 OMG I DONT KNOW TEH BREDS BUT THEY HAEV SCRATCHY HARE111!!!11 WTF U MAY HAEV SEN ME WIT THEM B/C I WOK THAM AL 2G3THER USUALY FROM LEXNG2N 2 CENTRAL PARK AND I LIEK 2 GO DOWN 80TH STRET!!1!!1! LOL I ALSO HAEV A MONKEY BUT HE LOKS SORT OF SIK11!11!11 WTF LOL I THINK U NED A VET FOR HIM!1!!111! OMG LOL I GOT HIM IN NU JERSAY ABOUT THRE Y3ARS AGO11!! OMG AL OF THESE R FRE AND I HAEV INDIVIDUAL BOWLS FOR DA DOG AND A LEASH FOR DA MONKEY!1!!!1 I HAEV 2 G3T RID OF THEM B/C I NED AN OP3RATION IN A WEK TAHTS PRETY SERIOUS AND I DONT HAEV ANYWH3RE FOR TH3M 2 STAY!1!1 LOL TH3Y AL GET ALONG GREAT AXCEPT FOR TEH MONK3Y AND DA LARGAR SMAL DOG!11!1! WTF LOL BUT ID HAET 2 SPLIT THEM UP!11! OMG WTF LOL SERIOUS INQUIREIS ONLY11111!!! OMG I WUD RATH3R TAHT THEY DIDNT GO 2 TEH BRONX OR STAETN ISLAND!1111!!1 OMG WTF LOL NOTHNG PERSONAL
1!1111 OMG

Indeed. L33T.

Look kids--the new virtual strippergram.

Jersey Girl gets slaughtered in the Times. My personal favorite:

Ms. Tyler, whose monotone matches a face that's the equivalent of pasteurized milk, has never been blander. Instead of a presence, she's an absence.

Once you're an Elf, I guess you can't go back.

A man, his dog and a taco.

A great post by Scott Rosenberg on the effect of Richard Clarke's testimony.

Fusselman's site has in its archives this wonderful speech of Hodgman's--I don't know if it is as funny to those who weren't at the event, but every time I run across these political advertisements I giggle furiously.

Monty Python's The Life Of Brian returns to theaters to challenge Mel Gibson's Jesus film.

At last night's media dinner in D.C.:

Bush put on a slide show, calling it the "White House Election-Year Album" at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association 60th annual dinner, showing himself and his staff in some decidedly unflattering poses. There was Bush looking under furniture in a fruitless, frustrating search. "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere," he said.

Ha ha ha. Ha.

i need wallpaper that glows when there is more light in the room.

Just back from WELL at the Public. Highly recommended--some masterful, inventive work, with delightful swoops and inversions. Met Lisa afterwards and she's delightful in person, too.

I can't stop giggling--because Moldawer took the time to host the Lois Lane choreopoem from Superman. It's so terrible, but I can't stop listening. I can't.

My goodness--now I'm wondering if when I get a Bluetooth-enabled phone I'll be having anonymous sex in nasty bathrooms. Yay!

Also from the UK--chicken tikka masala as silent killer.

An intrepid guy used Lexis-Nexis to figure out how many reporters have filed stories with "Martha Stewart" and "good thing" or "bad thing" as titles. The answer seems to be all of them.

Neat little meme that I've heard about anecdotally is filled out at Salon:

Because I had serious misgivings about the president's performance to that point, my own involvement in the whole operation had left me feeling a bit like a pseudo person, so when I had the chance to shake Bush's hand, I said, "Mr. President, I hope you only serve one term. I'm very disappointed in your work so far."

His smiling response was swift: "Who cares what you think?"

Get the full story here.

On the other axis, John Kerry has a real profile at Friendster.

Last night's show was tumultuous but good--it really is a workshop series, these performances, and I very nearly lost control of the show. It's more than a little tricky dealing with emotional issues that can rise up, not from within the performance itself, but from the performer--it's a layer beneath the material, which lends subtext and shading, but when it gets too stormy it makes the going rough from my end. My thanks to everyone who came, and the valuable feedback I got from folks over drinks later.

For now, I'm exhausted.

Tonight:

All Stories Are Fiction #5:
LOST CAUSES AND THEIR DISCONTENTS

7:30 at P.S.122

Very interesting case going to the Supreme Court on exactly when Americans need to carry ID on their person. The man whose case has gone all the way up to them has an expansive website, which features video footage of the incident where he was arrested for not providing ID...it's all at the creatively titled papersplease.org. They even have BitTorrents of the film for download.

Tony Scott has a really interesting piece on Dogville, the new Von Trier film. I want to see the film more now, but I'm not certain I can really say I'm excited about it.

Still thinking about ETERNAL SUNSHINE.

I have to run--i have a show to get ready for.

Big bug.

Kind of like the big bugs in our DSL right now--our connection is b0rked, so posting may be somewhat haphazard.

More spam from Bahrain. If anyone is going, check out Marc Le Brocq:



Personally I think the government levy should be folded into the costs, but hey, that's me.

“Sometimes the truth of a thing is not so much in the think of it, but in the feel of it.” —Stanley Kubrick

My friend Rachel told me to go ASAP, and so I did--I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind this evening.

The best science fiction film I've seen in years, and definitely the best romantic comedy/science fiction film. It's just marvelous.

If you still need convincing, check out Edelstein's review. The pull quote from his review:

In that instant, maybe halfway through, the picture transforms into a different kind of story, in which the object is not to let go of one's memories but hang onto them, whatever the cost. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is like a topsy-turvy Orpheus and Eurydice, in which the hero must look back—and back and back—or his beloved will be lost forever.

That's true, and it's a great film.

Addendum: my friend Dennis writes from Vancouver:

The whole movie takes place in my home town--Rockville Centre New York,
and is eerily reminiscent (minus the mind-erasure) or the Jenny breakup
that threw me cross country. In one scene, at Montauk, he's sitting in
front of the hotel I spent my Prom Night in.

I was severely creeped out and awestruck at the same time. What a film!

The FCC has revised its definition of "fuck" so that it now falls under a revived category: "the profane". A whole new way to censor. Read exhaustive coverage here.

On the less profane category, I saw 131 last night and recommend it heartily. Beethoven and Dance Dance Revolution, together at last! Some wonderful movement, and an extremely well-conceived piece of theater.

There's a very moving piece by Mark Russell of P.S.122 at the Village Voice on Spalding Gray. Read the whole piece, but I have to clip out this section, which I can't stop thinking about,

I found an old school desk on Houston Street, bought it, stripped it of gum and old paint, and stained it myself in the play yard of P.S.122, so he would have a special table to work on when he visited. We kept a cold beer backstage for him post-show, Anchor Steam Liberty Ale. The tech crew, not ordinarily used to costume duty, made provisions to iron his plaid shirt each week.

It's a lesser work, but I have written something for THE STRANGER this week on Spalding, which you can find here.

So much death, and still, here we go.

Just back from the WYSIWYG reading--great fun all around. There were some really great pieces, especially Lindsay's high-school reflections and Michael Barish's last minute story, which I really thought excelled...he made me really enjoy listening to fiction, which isn't always the case with me.

(In fact, you can read that story of Michael's here.)


4 gigs. Yum.

"Who can deny that conflict is a purifying flame which sears away cowardice, hesitation, sentiment—all that which is unworthy in Man?" Rumsfeld said, stroking his albino cheetah. "And my fighting arena is the crucible which concentrates that fire into the refined white heat of invincibility. The victor of my Eagle Fist Tournament shall be, by nature and definition, unsurpassed in the ways of the warrior. Such a fighter is fit to be the instrument of Rumsfeld."

Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress

My good friend Peggy Gannon telling it like it is from the trenches of American fringe theater. Peggy says she hasn't written much in the last few years but you'd never know that--this was such a delight to read, and if you work in our field you should probably give it a look-see.

News from my Homeland:

"When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911," Boucher said.

This Wednesday I'll be performing at WYSIWYG, where the topic is "The Ides Of March: Stories of Love, Friendship and Betrayal" with a number of other folks. Full details are available at http://www.wysiwygtalentshow.org/. Here's something written by one of the other bloggers who will be reading.

From this morning's spam folder:

From: Prestige Club
Subject: Al Waha at Gulf Hotel Bahrain



Waha Al Waha is more than a 24 hours Cafe' Restaurant, which offers an incredible choice of breakfast, lunch and theme dinner buffets, seven day a week.

Enjoy as extensive range of buffet featuring local and international dishes.

Something different every night of the week

Saturday Polynesian Buffet

Sunday Seafood Market

Monday Tex-Mex Night

Tuesday 4 corners of the world

Wednesday Steakhouse Grill

Thursday Seafood Extravaganza

Friday Brunch Family brunch at a glance Sizzling Night

Open for Breakfast from 6 to 10 a.m.

Lunch from 12 to 3:30 p.m.

Dinner from 7 to 11:30 p.m.

Light snacks from 11:30 p.m. to 6 a.m.

Ala Carta is also available for those who prefer lighter meal

Tonight's ALL STORIES ARE FICTION at P.S.122:

GOODIE BAGS, DEALMAKING AND INNUENDO
(The glorious trash of The City.)

Show starts at 7:30--come on down!

Botox, schmotox. Donny Rumsfeld had a dye job last week.

The NYTimes covers BoCoCa, the worse attempt at renaming a neighborhood in a long time.

I've written to the idiot who came up with the term and had terse words with him, but that hasn't stopped him from flogging it mercilessly...now that he's been at it over 3 years with no luck you'd think it'd be a moot point, but now they want to name the waterfront CoWaDi. No, I am not shitting you. You give these guys an inch, they take a mile.

CoWaDi? BoCoCa? Bah. Soon my backyard will be named BaYaDePoPo.

Others who are more eloquent explain in greater detail why this is all ridiculous real-estate machinations.

Lookee, lookee, Slate takes Gawker to task. He's right, but he doesn't realize how different the landscape is: Gawker isn't SPY any more than texting is telegraphing. Completely different media. You can tell this because he confesses to actually sitting down and reading several weeks of it in one sitting--as though this is even remotely sane. You read Gawker et al in passing, at a dead run, on your way to somewhere else. If you want great satire, look elsewhere. is that news to anyone?

Oh, and Secret Window sucks balls.

And this story about a murdering ethics professor is pathetic.

Bah.

The LAW & ORDER random plot generator.

CHUNG! CHUNG!

Those who write clearly have readers, those who write obscurely have commentators.
--Albert Camus

Now there are cheat codes for cars. No, really.

A New Yorker piece from 1998 about an unusual (and very successful) Prada saleswoman.

John Hodgman interviews Kerry Conran, creator of SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW in the New York Times Magazine. It's a fascinating interview, and Hodgman has some great phrasings:

But like the old serials it emulates, ''Sky Captain'' is mainly preoccupied with the strange promises of the future. The astonishing things you will see in the world of tomorrow include: an immense, silvery zeppelin docking at the Empire State Building; an elephant that fits in the palm of your hand; a troop of giant robots marching down Sixth Avenue and the carpet at Radio City Music Hall. None of these things actually exist, though.

Hodgman shows how this studio product is actually the brainchild of one deeply obsessed man--and knowing John, he was the perfect person to write this piece. I'm really interested to see the film when it comes out.

Korn's new video is a surprisingly eloquent "fuck you" to music monopoly. I'm still not a fan of their music, but the video is definitely worth a look.

I have always loved this clock--I used to have it bookmarked, but just refound it. It's tremendously neat to watch the hand move again and again and again.

Dissection of Alternative Film Festival offerings:

"The frame is divided into three vertical sections which were exposed at different speeds"
The first thing you should do, when reading a description like this, is search frantically for the running time. If that running time exceeds 45 seconds, the next thing you should do is stab out your eyes so you have a bulletproof excuse when your girlfriend, who must have directed this film because oh my god why else are you even contemplating attending its screening, asks you to hold her hand at the premiere. "Sorry, I gots no eyes," might get you a free pass. Unfortunately, it's not going to be enough to get you out of attending one of her spoken-word "soundscape" performances on a Saturday afternoon at the Bowery Club. Think: Q-Tip accident.

Thanks to Todd Levin.

From my good friend Hodgman:

> Yes: dogs and cats are good child training. They are actually just as much
> work if not more in the early stages; in the later stages, they gain the
> advantage by continuing to love you.

On the subway last night to the Dieter Roth exhibit I read the first and last interesting book review of Jayson Blair's memoir. Lemann really gets his arms around the subject and does a fantastic job of dissecting motive in the midst of so much manic depression.

Somebody is using IRC software that tracks heuristics to show character relationships in Shakespeare plays.

Here we find the Top Ten Rules Of Bollywood Filmmaking, including:

"Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the real bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see Rule 2 below)."

Ladies and gentlemen--light transmitting concrete!

Of all the pictures, this is my favorite.

My thanks to everyone who has written me, and I'll get back to people soon.
I'm taking the day off.

Tonight at PS122:

All Stories Are Fiction #3:
THIS SCHADENFREUDE AND FILIBUSTER

Wherein we celebrate the inescapable pettiness and conventional misery of our lives, with fleeting exceptions which shall be highlighted and noted in the course of the talk.

A pretty wonderful history of Apple's operating systems.

Cerenkov radiation--an explanation here.

Ah the joys of the help desk. Warning: this is audio, and not work safe.

Wordy hoax or not, this eBay posting appears to be for Vincent Gallo's personal film kit. We can only hope this means Mr. Gallo is done making films, I suppose.

I've been shocked by the ludicrousness of Henry Blodgett, internet huckster and shyster, covering the Martha Stewart trial, which ended today with a conviction. Read here for some of his lackluster prose describing the denouement, and here for his inadequate "disclosure". While getting Blodgett to cover the trial may have been great PR for Slate, it hasn't done much to endear them in my eyes--it's crass and deplorable to hire people this biased to cover a trial, even if you "disclose" all day and night.

I've said it before and I'll say it again--Blodgett was one of the chief architects of the bubble insanity, and these dispatches only help to prove that he takes no responsibility for the trust he squandered and the economy he helped to blow. He's a snake, and the proper response would be to find the rock he's underneath, lift it up and smash him with it.

"In the first poll since John Kerry locked up the Democratic nomination, Kerry and President Bush are tied while independent Ralph Nader has captured enough support to affect the outcome, validating Democrats' fears."

6%? 6%? I simply can't believe that. And you know that they must be polling in states where it doesn't matter--I think people in swing states are going to know better this time around.

Public service advisory: if you have to use RealPlayer (or RealOne, or whatever they're calling it this week) and you're on Windows, you've probably noticed that it is loaded with spyware and annoying behavior. Thanks to a deal the BBC struck, they have a spyware and annoyance free version available for download here. Run, don't walk, if you need a copy.

UPDATE: Word from inside of Real is that this meme is bullshit...there's no difference between the BBC version and others. So I'd advise folks to simply avoid Real.

Neil Simon Receives Kidney Donated by His Publicist. This certainly raises the bar on what I should be expecting from my own management.

I'm on Public Radio International's The Next Big Thing this weekend in a piece about the new liberal radio network. Check here for station listings as I strike the first blow for freedom against Jonathan Schwartz. (WNYC listeners know exactly what I'm talking about.)

Subway systems of the world, shown to scale against one another.

Just came back from the latest Little Gray Book lecture, at which I learned that Punchie, a Boston Bull Terrier of our acquaintance is actually the star of this well-known, Paris Hilton-esque online porn romp. Question is, do we allow our sweet young pug to have playdates with this sexual predator in the future? Sure, there's fame involved--but when Baci is face down on our glass tabletop after too much blow and too many lapdances, who's going to pick up the pieces?

Us. The parents. Always the parents.

McDonald's is eliminating supersized fries and sodas. Hmmm. It interests me that McDonald's is torqueing so far toward health--between Fast Food Nation a few years ago and now the film SUPER SIZE ME it seems like they're doing what they can to reform their image.

Unlike some of their other steps, getting rid of gi-hunormous sizes will probably have an effect--I know that when I'm hungry I often eat until what I am eating is gone, and if you reduce the sizes you'll reduce some degree of eating. i am saddened a little, because making thing ridculously large is an American trademark--it seems strange that when I'm old I'll be able to tell kids that I remember the old days, when the fries were as big as a bucket, and the soda was served streaming out of a multi-gallon hose. You just lift to your mouth and chug all you could drink.

I'd like to thank the Academy for making me a BLOG OF NOTE. I'm not from New Zealand, but I'm touched nevertheless. I can only suspect that my plan to offer Google employees free tickets to my shows in the Bay Area this summer is finally starting to pay off. Influence peddling--how sweet it is!

If you're a new visitor you may wish to explore the links at the top, to figure out what this is all about, or simply cut to the quick: this gives you a sketch of me and this fills you in about a weekly show I'm currently doing in New York City.

I'm just happy that my policy of random, half-baked links and undigested data has paid off with public fame and recognition. It's good to know that the system works.

The Way The Deck Is Stacked "On Sunday a guy from the Edwards campaign called my house trolling for votes. He didn't ask to speak to me, since I'm not on the list of registered Democrats. He asked to speak to my wife, who is. I handed the phone to her and stood there while she told the poor guy that she intended to vote for Kerry because she wanted to get the primaries over with and unite the party against Bush.

There you have it. Electability-oriented Democrats like my wife could vote in most of today's primaries. Independents like me couldn't. It's hard to imagine a more effective mechanism for filtering out the Edwards vote. For three weeks, I've been crunching numbers to substantiate the theory that Edwards' fate rested on the participation of independents. Today I lived it."
--William Saletan in Slate

Questions From My Brother:

> Take it easy, and congrats on your new show. How's it
> coming? How's the dog? How's the wife? Which one is
> cuter? If JM is cuter, then will you let her pee on
> the floor? Does she already? These are the questions
> that your public crave answers to!

The Answers:

Thank You. Very Well Indeed. A Gorgeous Little Monster! Still A Hot-Blooded Vixen! A Tie. Yes. Right Now In Fact.

An online review over at Fancy Robot about the show I performed this evening. Many thanks to all who attended--if you have a hankering to catch the show, it plays every Monday and here are details.